I’m free!

At the end of December, I made the last payment on the credit counseling program I started four years ago.

The LAST payment.

Tonight I was reading about an expensive retreat that until very recently I would have, well, not drooled exactly, but felt rather wistful about not being able to afford. And it struck me — wow, I could totally afford that!

And then the next thought: but that’s not what I want.

This is revolutionary, peeps.

I have turned a corner on knowing what I want — easily and immediately. I’m hesitant to say that because there are still times I feel highly ambivalent. And yet, what a sweet moment of feeling satisfied instead of deprived, full instead of grasping, content instead of wanting.

I am so grateful to be in this place, where I have more than I need — and I’m not confused thinking that I always need more, or that the emptiness inside can be filled (or the sadness or loneliness chased away) by things money can buy.

I’m fascinated by this new relationship to my resources, whether financial or emotional or spatial or temporal.

Cheers to me!

January 20th, 2012 | Category: Freedom | 3 comments

Entering 2012

So. It begins.

2012 begins. This blog begins. This post begins.

2012 begins regardless of whether I’m ready or not.

Cultural pressure resounds: Get Ready! Be Ready! Ready, Set, Go! Now! 

I let it wash over me and dissipate. It doesn’t really matter whether I’m ready. 2012 has begun.

How shall I enter 2012?

My holiday cards lie half-finished as Dirty Dancing mesmerizes me.

I peer into the swirl of last year’s memories. Other, older memories arise, too, unbidden.

I cull my obligations, making room for tiny, sweet things.

I absorb the descending twilight, a half-grown kitten half-asleep in my lap.

It’s a start.

January 1st, 2012 | Category: Entry | 9 comments